What the Mouth Doesn’t Know Can’t Hurt It (or- Don’t Let Your Left Hand Know What Your Right Hand is Stuffing into Your Face)

I didn’t stop eating meat because I don’t like it. Granted, if I dwelled on what I was eating when I was still eating meat, I could pretty easily gross myself out. Even so, I’m an umami sort of girl- I would have chosen a pork chop over a slice of apple pie any day of the week. Giving up meat, for me, was a health issue and also a commitment to not support factory farming.

So if I was going to survive this transformation, I needed to find foods to bridge the gap from Meatopolis to Vegtopia. I needed to trick my brain until my tastebuds jumped on for the ride. Clearly, I love to cook. But since vegetarian and vegan cooking was new to me, it took some time for me to confidently prepare everyday meals. I needed to eat, you know, every day, and I wasn’t going to perfect my seitan recipe fast enough. At first I still wanted to eat meat without eating meat. Enter pre-packaged vegetarian cuisine!

It’s worth mentioning that while some of these products taste a hell of a lot like their animal counter-parts, some of them don’t. That was a big mind game that we had to work through in this house- we had to stop thinking of things as trick meat, and start thinking of these dishes as other food. I've rarely seen my husband as disappointed as he was when he bit into a meatloaf I made out of textured vegetable protein. He took one bite and pushed the plate away.

Me: “What’s the matter?”
Jason: “I bit into that expecting meatloaf.”
Me: “And?”
Jason: “That isn’t meatloaf.”

Nope. And Tofurky ain’t turkey, no matter how you slap it on a platter, surround it with roasted root vegetables, and slice it. But it’s damn good.

So, what follows is my list of processed faux meats, most all of which can be purchased at your local grocery store (and definitely at Whole Foods). Most all of these brands make a lot of different varieties; I’m only listing the ones I personally used. Just like any processed foods, I don't recommend eating these at the exclusion of healthier, whole foods. But they certainly are a support as you transition away from meat. These products got me from “there” to “here.” Even if you have no plans of abandoning meat, give some of these a try. You might be surprised at how good they are.

FYI: You should know that some of the meat alternative products aren’t vegan because they use dairy in some fashion. When in doubt read the label.

Boca Burgers


Chances are you’ve heard of Boca Burgers before. Readily available in typical grocery stores, these are really amazing burgers. I never was a big “hamburger” kind of person, but Boca burgers are really delicious. They have a nice “bite” to them and the mushroom-mozzarella burger is yummy.

Morningstar Farms


Even though I now know how to make my own Italian “sausage,” these babies got me through many an afterschool face-stuffing. Their texture is a bit soft, but the seasonings are really close to their piggy cousin. Morningstar has a large variety of products which are pretty good, but by no means the best (read: most meat-like) out there. I dabbled in their breakfast sausages which are a nice replacement (although a bit salty to me). My kids happen to like their “chicken nuggets” better than any other brand, but I can’t say the same.

Quorn


This mystery meat was probably the first thing I ate that assured me I could easily make it through my transitional stage. Quorn is (oh, man. See- when I explain it you’re going to be grossed out. But it’s far less gross than a factory farmed and slaughtered chicken. Just trust me) . . . Quorn is a manufactured protein (made in vats and processed like a lot of food you eat). It’s made out of what they call a mycroprotein, which . . . OK. Forget this. Here’s the website. Read it for yourself. Suffice it to say that it literally, magically, tastes like chicken (and turkey, and ground beef) and is really delicious. It’s vegetarian, not vegan, because they use egg whites in the manufacturing process. If I haven’t scared you off, you can find this product in the freezer section of your grocery store.

LightLife


LightLife makes the tempeh I use, and Mama looooooooooves tempeh! But we’re talking about ready-made faux meat products here. I have cooked with their "chicken" and "beef" strips before, and at first I didn’t care for them. Much like Jason and his meatloaf despair, I, too, bit into them and expected chicken (or beef). No, Ma’am. I also made it worse because I didn’t really cook them correctly (there are things you can do to season these strips to make them tastier). Their Buffalo Smart Wings are pretty good and we eat that a lot. Cut up in a stir-fry, their Savory Smart Wings taste like pork to me. Their lunchmeat is an acquired taste, but I do keep a package around for a quick sandwich (I prefer my homemade lunchmeat). They are also known for their hotdogs which my children refuse to eat and I haven’t really gotten around to trying for myself.

Upton’s Naturals Seitan

(Image taken from company website)

Upton’s had me at “hello,” with their sweet old-timey packaging. Seitan is a wheat-based “meat” which is chockfull of protein and really good for you. I’ve since learned how to make my own and season it to my liking, but Upton’s showed me how versatile seitan could be. Jason really likes their chorizo sausage and I prefer the Italian. Seitan takes some getting used to- the texture is a little, well, rubbery. If I started out with seitan I don’t know if I would have kept at this. Now I absolutely love it. It took some getting used to, though. This company also makes vegan tamales using their chorizo seitan. They are smack-your-Mexican-mama-good.

Tofurky


Yes- ok, bring on the Tofurky jokes. All I can tell you is that I made my first whole Tofurky roast about 3 months into being vegetarian and it honestly was delicious. It was “close” to turkey, but a little off. Not a bad “off,” but enough that you wouldn’t trick a serious turkey-phile. They also make the best lunchmeat I’ve had, but unfortunately it isn’t carried at my local store.

Match


Match is a wonderful product that I can only find at Whole Foods. Sadly, the closest Whole Foods is an hour away so I don’t get there too often. The texture of their ground meats is right on, and my youngest gorges himself on the meatballs I make out of their “chicken.” Seasoned correctly, this product is one that could definitely fool a meateater into thinking he’s eating meat (if that’s your idea of fun).

Field Roast


(Cue angel trumpets and beatific light shooting through impossibly white clouds). Field Roast calls itself a “grain meat” company, and I’m here to tell you they figured out some spectacular secret recipe. Their Celebration Roast is one of my favorite things to eat (so much so that I’ve banned it from my house because it was keeping me from learning to cook). Their meat loaf is amazing (it was a vegetarian meatloaf redemption at our house). Both of these products freeze really well which is lucky because I can only get them at Whole Foods. Their sausages are more widely available in local grocery stores. They have a really great variety (the apple sausage is to die), but their Celebration Roast is the crown jewel.

Gardein

(Image taken from company website)

Last, but not least, we come to Gardein. Amazingly, I just started using this product a few weeks ago. Since I’ve learned to cook vegetarian and vegan protein, I’ve honestly relied less and less on prepackaged products. But when I was stocking my pantry I also stocked my freezer with meat replacements, and last month I found a package of Gardein Beefless Tips waaaaaaaay in the back. I served these at my 4th of July party last week, and the first thing my guests said was that they would never guess that it wasn’t beef. It really is good stuff. The Chick’n cutlets have a great taste and texture. The Crispy Tenders are pretty darn good, too. I think I could go without all the other products I’ve listed (with the exception of my Field Roast Celebration Roast) and only purchase Gardein for convenience food. If you’re hesitant about replacing meat in your diet, buy a package of Chick’n Scallopine, and use it for your favorite chicken cutlet recipe. You won’t be disappointed.